|
|
|
|
Written by Gary Moffat
|
Advice for the Politically Forlorn
These are tough times we’re facing and the “people” want answers. The people want to know how we managed to get into this mess, and more importantly, the people want to know who is going to lead us back to prosperity. And no one is under more pressure than both our elected and appointed government officials. Everyone from the president of these United States to the mayor of Auburn is feeling the heat.
It’s lonely at the top, especially when the economy stinks, so as a public service and because I really do care, I’m launching this new column—The Savage Spinmeister—which will appear occasionally in place of The Other Side of Auburn. In it, I will present “Advice for the Politically Forlorn,” and serve as a sounding board and life coach/counselor for politicians who are struggling to find the “answer” for demanding constituents.
As the owner of a wine bar who has listened to customers bitch and moan
for the past five years, I feel eminently prepared ... yes, I am ready
to step up and lend my skills where they can be of true value to our
community. To politicos everywhere, please feel free to unburden
yourselves ... write or e-mail your problems and I’ll do my best to
help you spin your way out of the morass.
And so we begin; the doctor is in:
Our Very First Letter
Dear Savage:
We are an elected board serving 324,000 people in northern California,
and we have a big problem: Though we work a minimum of 60 hours per
week and are trapped nightly on the rubber chicken circuit, we are paid
a pittance for our abundant efforts. Our compensation is limited by law
to a paltry $30,000 per annum, barely enough to cover our dry cleaning
bills and about half of what our administrators earn. Comparable
salaries for officials in similar roles average around $100k per year,
but we’d be thankful to be bumped to $75k. Problem is because the
economy sucks right now, the electorate isn’t feeling the love ... what
should we do? —Five Gnomes in a Dome
Dear G-dawgs:
This is really a perception problem, isn’t it? Because the job pays
just $30k, the people believe whomever runs for the position must not
be doing it for the money. They think you’re in it for more esoteric
reasons: self-actualization or “giving back to the little people” or to
sate your raw desires for power or to land a job with a powerful
Sacramento lobbyist firm after you are booted out of office.
So, the simple answer, my friends, is to proactively work to alter the
stereotypical perceptions that your constituents harbor. Here’s how:
Dress down. No matter if it is a formal meeting of your group or if
you are out pressing the flesh, all of you are always dressed as though
you just walked off of the pages of GQ. If you look too prosperous, the
voters just won’t consider boosting your wages. First thing is lose the
ties and go casual, very casual. I’d recommend faded blue jeans,
sandals and a tee-shirt, preferably one of those “PlacerGrown” numbers
you can pick up at the Farmer’s Market. The thing is you have to
embarrass the voters into thinking, “Wow, these guys look pathetic; we
gotta do something ... stat!”
Relax your personal grooming standards. A corollary to the first
point, you can’t always look as though you just walked out of a salon
with a fresh haircut and glossy nails. For goodness sake, some of you
guys even smell spicy. My advice is to immediately let yourselves go.
Haircuts? Forget about them. Always maintain a scrubby three-day beard.
And when it comes to showering, once per week will do nicely.
Remember, you represent the people, and they see themselves in your
image. Believe me, they’ll pay more gladly just to get you guys cleaned
up.
Bring your own lunches to public meetings. When those long, boring
sessions stretch into lunch time, break out a bag of cheese sandwiches
and start munching on them as the agenda churns on. Comment happily
with something like, “Man, I just love this government cheese ... it’s
awesome between a couple of slices of white bread.” Make sure to offer
a bite to anyone who speaks during the public comment period, and
remember, talking with your mouth full always leaves a lasting
impression.
Purchase a 1988 Ford Taurus (preferably with a cracked windshield). Too
many people measure your success by the kind of vehicle you drive. So,
when you show up at public events in a brand new SUV driven by an aide,
the people shake their heads ... and the last thing they’ll do is vote
you a raise. Drive yourself around in a beat up old vehicle, though,
and the people will notice. Here’s a tactic that always works: After
you finish speaking at a Rotary luncheon, ask if anyone in the audience
has jumper cables because your battery is dead. A proposition to
increase your compensation will be on the next ballot, I guarantee.
** *
Perception may be everything, but the truth is always more compelling.
And the truth is you gentlemen are grossly underpaid and every voter in
your jurisdiction knows it. You need to be compensated fairly with a
living wage, and every voter knows it. It’s already tough enough to get
qualified candidates to run for office, and at the end of the day, we
get what we pay for.
For my money, gimme at least $75,000 worth.
A Savage Shout Out to Doug Ose: At the recent “State of the Community”
dinner hosted by the Auburn Chamber, I was seated at a table sponsored
by Chevreaux Concrete, and one of the guests assigned to our ten-top
was 4th Congressional District candidate Doug Ose. That was a pleasant
surprise, because Mr. Ose is clearly a serious contender and I was
hoping to ask a few questions ... like where did you get the grocery
cart used in your commercial bashing Tom McClintock? I suspected that
an aide “borrowed” it from a K-mart parking lot for the shoot.
I chatted briefly with Ose’s field handler, who stayed through the
salad course, but Doug blew us off for a seat at the PG&E table.
Geez, Doug, I know you gotta follow the money, but you could have at
least said “hello.” Maybe next time.
Gary Moffat is a journalist and he owns Carpe Vino in Old Town Auburn. He can be reached at
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it
 |
|
|
|
Subscribe to this comment's feed